I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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