Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
