Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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