As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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