Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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