Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
