I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
