4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
