Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We just shotgunned beers for America
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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