You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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