Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
