So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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