i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
honey bunches of taint.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
