Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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