You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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