We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
