I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
