so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I want her autograph on my taint
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
