Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
