I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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