i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
