shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
