u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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