My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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