life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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