just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Randomize
