Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
