May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
