I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
