it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
