Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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