Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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