fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
