final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
