Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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