Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
