Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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