i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
