oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
