oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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