i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
are you so shy because you have an std?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
