he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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