i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
