Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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