i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
