I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
