I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
