Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
