I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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