Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
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