now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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