Did you just see the Batmobile???
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
