Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
