Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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