why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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