By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
