If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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