Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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