Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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