Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
