You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
