If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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