FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
