He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
