Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
